Post by Sophie on Mar 20, 2024 5:27:14 GMT -5
It’s raining again. The city looks so dreary from my window. A slab of boring gray up above, and sheets of frigid water hiding away anything further than a block away. How sad. I used to love the rain. I liked to play in it. My mom told me it was unseemly. I didn’t care, it was fun. My best friend loves the rain. Or she used to. I don’t know what she likes anymore. I haven’t talked to her in a year. Or is it two years now? I don’t know. Everyday is the same as yesterday.
What time is it? I should check my clock. I don’t care to get up from the window. Not like it matters. Where do I have to be? I haven’t been to school in a while. Who cares? I forged a note from my mom to tell them I’m very unwell and can’t come. It’s true enough. That was a few months ago. The school sent a letter but mom didn’t even read it. I found it in the trash when she yelled at me to take it out. Has she even noticed?
She’s been away from home a lot. Times are crazy I guess. Who cares? Not like it matters. God I reek. When was the last time I bathed? Or changed clothes? I’m hungry. Is mom at work? What time is it? My clock says it's two in the afternoon. Has the time changed back yet? Who cares?
God my body is heavy. Have I gained weight? Can’t hurt to check. Fuck my room is filthy. I should really clean up in here. There’s like two inches of clothes on the floor. The weather lady didn’t call for this kind of weather. I bet that would’ve made her laugh. Actually she’d just be worried about me. Would she even care? I don’t know. I need to clear a space so I can open my door.
I’m glad the bathroom’s clean. I guess Takahiro has been keeping it clean. I should thank him. I haven’t talked to him in a while. Last week? Or a month ago? I don’t know. 175. That’s down 10 pounds from last week. That’s not good. I should eat more. Ech. The idea of eating is disgusting. So I lost some weight. Who cares? Aren’t girls supposed to be skinny? I wonder if I can see my ribs? Yeah. That’s weird.
I guess I should eat. What do I want? What do we have? I don’t know. I could ask Kiyomi to make me something. No. She’d make me shower. Bad. Bad. No. No. No. Wait, when did I start hating showers that much? I used to love them. I liked feeling so clean and smelling nice. I remember I bought that shampoo before... before nothing. I guess I’ll sneak into the kitchen.
God these stairs are loud. We’re rich, why are our stairs so creaky? I don’t know. Spirits I hate this house. Why is it so fucking big? I shouldn’t have to run a marathon to get to the kitchen. Was that someone? I hope not. Then again, who cares? Is that a new refrigerator? Mom is so wasteful. Ugh. Nothing but ingredients. I don’t want to make something. Don’t we have any ramen or something?
There’s fucking nothing. Guess I’ll just grab this peanut butter and go back to my room. Ohfuckohfuckohfuck that’s dad. “Uhhh-m” Why can’t I put a fucking sentence together? “Daaa..d? You see... the reason I’mm... home..”
“Whatever it is, I don’t have time.” Is that mom’s briefcase? “Here, take this and handle whatever it is.” Ten thousand yairen? Oh. Okay then. “Bye dad.” “Bye.” The door is so loud when he slams it. Thank the spirits he didn’t care. I can’t handle a year’s long lecture about the importance of hygiene and school. I guess I could go buy something from the store now.
I can’t go out like this. I’m wearing pajamas. What if someone recognizes me? I could wear a mask and a big jacket? Who cares? Didn’t Takahiro have a cold recently? Maybe he has some masks. I’ll just go check his room. Time for another trek.
Wait, is he home? Or is Kiyomi cleaning his room? Let me just sneak a peek. What the hell? Who is that? “Get the fuck out!” Spirits you don’t have to shout Takahiro. How was I supposed to know you were choking some girl with your tongue? Fucking bullshit. My face feels hot and my chest hurts. Why am I crying? What the fuck? He yells at me all the time, who cares? Why am I crying? I don’t know. I gotta wipe these fucking tears but they won’t stop.
I’ll just wear a scarf and my big poncho. I gotta get the fuck out of here? Why? Who cares? I just can’t be here right now. I fucking hate this bullshit suburbia outside the city. Why can’t we just live in Fuyonouso? It’s so fucking cold and I have to walk so far to the bus stop. My scarf is already drenched, great. Is there a fare for this bus? No.
“Hi.” That was pathetic, why say anything, she doesn’t care she’s a bus driver. It’s still raining. We get it already. The world is miserable. I’m miserable. I know already, now can you let off the gas a little? I could use a break. I wish she was here. Then I know it’d be sunny even if it continued to rain. Shit that was my stop.
“Thank you.” Was that any better? Who cares? Should I wait for another bus to take me back a stop? That sounds dumb. Just walk you fucking bitch. It’s cold. Feels like I’m being pelted with ice pellets. Only two more blocks. Can’t we think a single happy thought? The only ones I can think of are of her. Ow. My chest hurts. Guess they aren’t happy thoughts really. Who cares?
They better be open. What time is it again? I don’t remember. Can’t tell with these fucking clouds. Oh thank fuck. They’re open. “Take your poncho off please!” Damn lady I was about to, relax. I still don’t know what I want. Wow she really keeps the radio cranked up loud doesn’t she. Can’t she put on some music? I don’t want to hear more news about how the world sucks and our empire is fucked and other fucking bullshit. We fucking get it guys the Empress is dead.
Pork ramen is fine I guess. Just add hot water. Yeah no shit I’m not gonna put a paper cup in the oven. Ten yairen. Will they even break a bill this big? I should’ve grabbed my purse. I have smaller bills in there. I should get something to drink. Oh they have Ramune! Ugh. Why does the thought of drinking that make me sick? I don’t know. “Is that all?”
“I guess.” Just let me leave please. I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I’m not the first person to come in here with a way too large bill. Yeah yeah. Lots of change I know. Yep another coin. Almost done? Great. “Thank you.”
“Do you want a receipt?” Does it ever end? Just let me be.
“No thanks.” Am I good? Can I go now? Bye now. Why’d you even bother bagging it? It’s one thing. I wish I had my own car. I hate not being able to get around on my own. Always more people.
“Breaking News Alert!” For the love of... Lady did you break the volume dial off when you turned it that high? “As... as a warning to our listeners... The following broadcast will contain very disturbing news. We recommend all parents take their children out of the room.” Damn lady, did your mom die or something? Why is your voice so shaken? “Reports have just come in from Hawaii. Pearl Harbor, our nation's largest naval base in the silk sea, has been the victim of a horrific surprise attack.” Wait what? What the fuck?
“Early reports are estimating deaths in the tens of thousands. The current assailant is unknown. As are the means as to how this could happen.” No. No no. That isn’t possible. Tens of thousands? No. No no no no no, NO! No, she's there. She’s fucking there and its under attack! I just read a newspaper about her getting there and “Our listeners may be aware that our own Empress, Reito Doku Kumo is currently present in Hawaii transitioning to Elenria. It is...”
No! Fuck this! I don’t care if it is freezing. I don’t care if it's raining. I don’t care that the bus isn’t coming for another half hour. I don’t care that my home is miles away. Fuck I can’t breathe. My chest. Fuck it hurts. Why do my eyes burn? Fuck I haven’t run in ages. Come on. If I ever needed you, legs, it is now. We need to get home. Its so fucking far. Come on. You have to be okay. You have to be okay. I know you’re okay. Right? You are. You are. You have to be. Please. Please. Please.
Six more streets. Five more streets. I can’t fucking breathe. Four more. I can’t feel my chest anymore. It hurts so much. Three more. Two more. Almost fucking there come one. Finally. I can see my house. Are you fucking kidding me?! Who locked the door?! Where are my keys? Of course I didn’t bring them. Why would I? I’m a fucking dumb sack of shit why would I remember my keys?
Please tell me the back door is unlocked. Oh thank fuck. I’m soaked. Mom is going to yell at me for getting water everywhere. Who cares?! Radio. Radio. I need my radio. My body has never felt so heavy. Why do we have so many stairs? Come on. Takahiro’s door is still closed. Is he still making out with that girl? Fuck my chest hurts. My stomach. Fuck everything sucks right now. My radio! Come on what channel was it? Music, Music, Music, Bullshit, Music, Fuyonews radio!
“...may be aware that our own Empress, Reito Doku Kumo is currently present in Hawaii transitioning to Elenria.” It’s repeating! Thank the living stars. “It is currently unknown if she is one of the casualties. We know she was traveling on a Kii class battleship. Reports... indicate that one of the two Kii class battleships stationed in Hawaii was destroyed. All hands lost.” No. No fucking way. Tell me it wasn’t hers. It fucking can’t be. I refuse. It won’t be. I need to get there. Now. What, by boat? And get there in a few weeks? What good would that do you fucking idiot? Is that moms car?
“Mom?!” Back down the fucking stairs. “Mom is that you?!” Please. If you were ever to give me comfort let it be now. I beg of you please. That’s her. “Mom...” Fuck. I’m crying again. I can’t stop the tears. Don’t fucking look at me like that! Why do you look so bored? Don’t you care?
“Why are you dripping?” Are you fucking shitting me?! I’m bawling my eyes out and gasping for air and all you care about is your damn carpets? “Go change. You’re ruining my floors.”
“Mom. The news. I... Reito is...” Put a fucking sentence together you buffoon. I can’t breathe. Fuck why can’t I breathe. Just one lungful is all I need. Please. My chest is closing in on itself. Spirits. Help me. Please. Everything hurts. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. Please.
Mom... please... “I heard.” You, heard? That’s it? Our Empress could be fucking dead in the ocean and all you have to say is you heard?!
“You don’t care?” Oh great, the only sentence I can put together is questioning her. Whatever. I meant it. You fucking bitch. We may be a nation with no leader. No succession. You don’t care? FUCK! My cheek! She fucking struck me. “What the hell?! You slapped me! What is wrong with you?!”
Oh shit. I’ve never seen her look this mad. Not at me. I’ve seen her full of hate before. Never at me. She’s only ever had a bored disdain for me. “You little bitch.” Oh god. My chest. Did she just kick me? Everything hurts. I can’t stand up. I feel so heavy. I can’t breathe. She’s pressing her foot into me. My eyes are fucking burning. My tears are dripping onto your precious floor you bitch. “How dare you? Get out of here you little cunt. I never want to see you again, Rui. You were a mistake.”
Fuck this. Fuck I can’t stop crying. Fuck you! I wish I could’ve screamed that in her face. Wait. Where do I go now? Did she really just kick me out? No. No. No come on really? I can’t breathe. Everything hurts. I need to get out of here. Mom’s car. Please. Did she leave the keys in it? Yes! Need to get out of here. Need to go. Somewhere? Where? Don’t care. Go before she realizes. Cmon fucking go! Oh shit. Oh shit she’s chasing after me! She’s going to call the police. I am so screwed.
Just go. Somewhere safe. Anywhere. Just go. Go. Go. Please. Where? Hotel? No police would find me. Where where? Just drive. Just drive. Get out of the city. Just go. No one else is driving in this weather. I just want her back. Reito. Please. I don’t care if you hate me. I don’t care if you never want to see me again. You said you would always be there for me. Where are you? You’re just in Hawaii right? You’re coming home? None of this is real right? I just made it all up in a stew of my own depression? I’m still in bed. I’ve got school tomorrow. I better wake up. Reito has a birthday soon and I have to get her a gift. Wake up! Wake UPP! Shit its real. Where am I? Am I on the highway? I’ve never driven on the highway before. I wish I could see through this rain. Oh. No the wipers are going. Those are my tears. How long have I been crying? Where am I? Does anyone care? Who cares?
Reito? ███? Reito! ████████████. I missed you too! ████████? Sorry the phone makes it hard to hear you. █████████. How’s Hawaii? ███████! I’m so jealous. █████████████. I bet! ███████████? I’m doing okay, I just miss you so much. Are you coming home soon? █████████! Great! I can’t wait to see you. ████████████████████. I bet you look great in a swimsuit. █████! I mean it! I’d love to sit on those beautiful beaches with you. █ou’r███bou████sh. What was that? You’r███bou████sh! I’m about? What? You’re about to crash!
FUCK! Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow. What did I hit? “Get out of the car now!” Is that? “Get out now!” The palace? How did I get here? “Get out of the car right now!” Fuck! I’m trying! You don’t have to waive a gun around to get your point across. One sec. There. Happy?
Hey! Hey get off me! I’m just a kid alright! “Ow! Hey!” Are those handcuffs?! I had an accident! I’m sorry!
“You’re going away for a long time.” For what?! What happened?! “Destroying palace property. Reckless driving. Threatening the security of the palace. Unlawful entry into the palace complex. I hope whatever you were trying was worth it because it just cost you your life.”
What?
Reito? Are you there? I fucked up. A lot. Ever since you became Empress. Even before that. Everything has been fucked up. My mom always sucked but she never hated me. She never hit me. I always had a home. I always had my best friend. Even the Empress took a shine to me. Remember that time we made a pillow fort? I thought your mom was gonna be so mad when she walked in. She just started laughing and asked to join in. That was awesome. We had hot chocolate together. We talked about books. Your mom was so cool. She was always so nice to me. She treated me just like you. Well not just like you, but it felt pretty close. If I asked to move in before it happened, do you think she would have said yes?
Can you imagine the drama? Minister's daughter moves in with Empress. That’s a headline for you. Still I bet she would’ve said yes. She’d ask why. I’d say some lie. She’d see right through it but still let me in. She’d hug me. Tell me it’s okay. Then we’d all play together. Remember when you heard about baseball? Your mom had a field built for you in a day. We played all day long. I still don’t get the rules. But It was so much fun.
Do you remember the day I broke your door? You and I were play fighting. I tripped and fell. I got up before your mom could come running and asked what happened. You told her you broke the door. You took the blame for me. I was so scared she’d scream at you but she just laughed. “I can’t believe what a clutz you are! What were all those etiquette classes even for?” she said.
I remember thinking she must only yell at you in private. I’m glad I was wrong. Do you remember what happened that night? Probably not. For you it was probably just another sleepover. We stayed up way past your bedtime reading with a flashlight under your covers. Your mom came in and checked on us. We pretended to be asleep but I kept giggling. I thought we got away with it but she totally knew didn’t she? I bet she walked away with a big smile on her face.
Did you know I fell in love with you that night? That entire night is forever etched into my memory. Nothing special really happened. I just remember watching you smile, laugh, and play with me. At one point my heart just started beating a different way. Maybe puberty hit me then. Maybe all the amazing things that you are finally hit a boiling point and made me love you. Whatever it was. I loved the feeling of it. Everytime I looked at you. It was like. The sun shone on me and only me.
All my thoughts were of you. At school I thought about how I wanted to measure up to you. I wanted to be as good as you. I wanted to make you proud. At home I thought about you. How I wished we were hanging out. I wished things were different. I wished I wasn’t a minister’s daughter, and you weren’t a princess. I wished we both went to some mundane school, lived next to each other, and spent time together everyday. Would you get tired of me? Would you still want me around?
Would you still love me?
I remember when I read your journal. I had loved you for so long but you only saw me as a friend. I had to know. I had to know if I needed to give up on you. When I saw what I saw. When I saw that you... felt like I did... I was so happy. I was terrified when you came back. I knew I breached your trust. I just hoped you could forgive me. I never imagined we’d kiss. Let alone...
What do you think we would’ve done if your mom hadn’t come in? You let me touch you. Parts of you I always avoided looking at when you changed in front of me. Spirits... The feelings I felt when you changed in front of me. Your skin was so soft. I wish I kissed your neck. Whispered in your ear “I love you.” Would you have liked that? Would you have shivered? Would you have melted into my arms? I can only imagine the warmth I would have felt. Would you have taken off my kimono? Would you let me take off yours? Probably, right? It was already mostly off. I wish I could’ve looked for one second longer.
Would we have made love?
You’re the only one I love. Have ever loved. They may call me a lesbian but I love and lust for no woman but you. Will I die alone? Likely. If I can’t be with you then what point is love? It has been years since I have seen you, heard your velvet voice, felt your smooth touch, smelled your perfume,
Years since I tasted you.
Reito? Do you hate me? Is that why I have never heard from you? I came to the funeral. I wanted to comfort you so badly. You looked so professional. I saw the pain. Do you wish I never read your journal? Do you wish we never kissed? Would you still talk to me then? Would we still be friends?
Aren’t you lonely? I see pictures of you in the news sometimes. You look so sad. Don’t you want someone who loves you by your side? I can be there for you. I’ll do anything to be there with you. There is nothing I won’t do for you. No line I won’t cross, no person I won’t give up. For you.
I’d die for you.
BANG “Wake up kid!” Where am I? Stars above. My head hurts. Are those... bars? “Who are your parents?” Am I in prison?
“Do you have a phone at home? Do you know your phone number?” Wait what what? I don’t know what’s happening and you’re asking me all these questions. “Do you know your address?” Ma’am I can’t put two words together right now, you want me to give you my address? “How about your name? Can we start with your name?”
“Rui Kure.” I’m already fucked. Why bother lying now?
“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Sorry ma’am. Didn’t mean to ruin your day with me ruining my life. “Stay here.” Where the fuck else am I gonna go? Sorry I’ll just head over to take a piss. Oh the toilets right here. Yeah I’m not going anywhere. This is the end. At least it’ll tarnish my mom’s name a bit. My head hurts so much. I’m gonna lay down.
Reito? Am I even alive anymore? Should I be? What is living? Without you, I don’t know. I say that a lot now. I don’t know, but who cares? That’s my other catch phrase. I find it hard to care without you. Should I kill myself? Would you care? Would you notice? Would anyone? Who cares? Who cares about Rui Kure. Riko doesn’t. I don’t. Do you Reito? Can you? Are you even alive to care? Are you in Hawaii? On your way home?
Are you dead?
Sometimes I wish I was never born. I think the world might be better off. I wouldn’t have made your mom mad at you. My mom would have more time to focus on her favorite child. And my heart wouldn’t have been shattered to pieces. I can barely do anything anymore. Who cares? Does anyone?
What do I have to live for?
“Rui?” Yes Ma’am? More questions I can’t answer? Wait, who are you? Why are you in my cage? “Rui! Thank the living stars you’re alright.” Who are you? I can’t see anything. I just see smudges and light. Are you my ancestors? Do you care? “What on Ouhiri were you thinking?!” I’ll be honest, I wasn’t. “Putting a child in jail after a car accident?!” Wait, you're not mad at me? Who are you? Who are you talking to? “She needs medical attention now!” Someone else is talking now. I can’t hear them. They sound scared. Who is this? “Forget it! Bring her to the palace clinic.” Oh don’t you hesitate other voice. I don’t think this lady wants to hear that. “I wasn’t asking.”
Oh my. I’m being lifted up. This feels. Kinda nice. They’re being very gentle. Whatever I’m laying on now is soft. Silky. I like it. Feels. Safe. I think. I’ll sleep a bit more.
Reito? It’s getting harder to think. All I can see is you. Your face. I wish I could remember it happy. You’re so pretty when you smile. Your face lights up the room. The whole world actually. At least mine. Can’t you smile for me? One more time? Just for me?
I’m begging you.
“Good morning sleepyhead.” Fuck its bright. Where am I? It looks. Sterile. Am I in a hospital? I thought I was in jail? What’s happening? Am I awake?
“Wh-” Wow my voice is weak. My throat is so dry I can’t even speak.
“Drink this.” Thank you. Can I without spilling? No. Shit. At least I got most of it. Water tastes so good. Thank you. I’d love to thank you properly but I don’t know your name.
Can I speak yet? “Where am I?” Weakly. I guess. More water pl- oh you’re already handing me some. And cleaning me up. Wow. Are you my real mom or something and everything else has been a dream?
“You’re safe. You were really banged up after that car crash.” Oh that feels nice. A cool rag on the head always feels good when you’re sick. I guess that counts for hurt too. “Don’t worry. I fixed you up. You’re going to be just fine.”
“Th, thank you.” That was a little better. “Who... are you?” Why does it take so much energy to talk?
“I’m Doctor Mai Tamashiro. You can call me Mai.” Reito’s doctor? “You crashed into the palace gate with your mom’s car two days ago.” Two days ago?! “You were taken to jail but Akane Kubota brought you here.” Kubota-kama?! Reito’s third in command maid? She was always respectful toward me, but I never thought she’d go out of her way like this. OW! Don’t try to move. Got it.
“Am... I going back to jail?” I don’t want to hear the answer. Fuck I don’t wanna hear the answer.
She smiled. That’s good right? “Goodness no. That guard is lucky she’s not going to jail. Throwing a child in jail after an accident. Insanity.” Ohh.. petting my head... Why does that feel so nice? “You’re safe here Rui. No one can get you here.” My chest feels warm. “I’ll be right back. Akane asked to be informed as soon as you awoke.”
Don’t go. Please. You’re so warm. Comfort me. Hold me. Care for me. Please. It’s so cold now. Come back soon. Don’t leave me alone with my thoughts. I don’t want to panic again. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
“Rui?” Akane! “Thank the living stars! You’re alright!” Warm. Your hugs were always nice, but this is warm. I feel. So safe. “Reito made me promise to take care of you if you ever showed up here.” She did? When did she say that? Why did she think I’d just show up here? She was right, but why?
She still cares.
“I would have anyway!” Her smile is calming. Wait, is
“Is Reito..? I heard the news.” Please. Please. Please. Even if it's a lie. Tell me she’s okay.
“She’s okay. She’s headed home safe and sound.”
What time is it? I should check my clock. I don’t care to get up from the window. Not like it matters. Where do I have to be? I haven’t been to school in a while. Who cares? I forged a note from my mom to tell them I’m very unwell and can’t come. It’s true enough. That was a few months ago. The school sent a letter but mom didn’t even read it. I found it in the trash when she yelled at me to take it out. Has she even noticed?
She’s been away from home a lot. Times are crazy I guess. Who cares? Not like it matters. God I reek. When was the last time I bathed? Or changed clothes? I’m hungry. Is mom at work? What time is it? My clock says it's two in the afternoon. Has the time changed back yet? Who cares?
God my body is heavy. Have I gained weight? Can’t hurt to check. Fuck my room is filthy. I should really clean up in here. There’s like two inches of clothes on the floor. The weather lady didn’t call for this kind of weather. I bet that would’ve made her laugh. Actually she’d just be worried about me. Would she even care? I don’t know. I need to clear a space so I can open my door.
I’m glad the bathroom’s clean. I guess Takahiro has been keeping it clean. I should thank him. I haven’t talked to him in a while. Last week? Or a month ago? I don’t know. 175. That’s down 10 pounds from last week. That’s not good. I should eat more. Ech. The idea of eating is disgusting. So I lost some weight. Who cares? Aren’t girls supposed to be skinny? I wonder if I can see my ribs? Yeah. That’s weird.
I guess I should eat. What do I want? What do we have? I don’t know. I could ask Kiyomi to make me something. No. She’d make me shower. Bad. Bad. No. No. No. Wait, when did I start hating showers that much? I used to love them. I liked feeling so clean and smelling nice. I remember I bought that shampoo before... before nothing. I guess I’ll sneak into the kitchen.
God these stairs are loud. We’re rich, why are our stairs so creaky? I don’t know. Spirits I hate this house. Why is it so fucking big? I shouldn’t have to run a marathon to get to the kitchen. Was that someone? I hope not. Then again, who cares? Is that a new refrigerator? Mom is so wasteful. Ugh. Nothing but ingredients. I don’t want to make something. Don’t we have any ramen or something?
There’s fucking nothing. Guess I’ll just grab this peanut butter and go back to my room. Ohfuckohfuckohfuck that’s dad. “Uhhh-m” Why can’t I put a fucking sentence together? “Daaa..d? You see... the reason I’mm... home..”
“Whatever it is, I don’t have time.” Is that mom’s briefcase? “Here, take this and handle whatever it is.” Ten thousand yairen? Oh. Okay then. “Bye dad.” “Bye.” The door is so loud when he slams it. Thank the spirits he didn’t care. I can’t handle a year’s long lecture about the importance of hygiene and school. I guess I could go buy something from the store now.
I can’t go out like this. I’m wearing pajamas. What if someone recognizes me? I could wear a mask and a big jacket? Who cares? Didn’t Takahiro have a cold recently? Maybe he has some masks. I’ll just go check his room. Time for another trek.
Wait, is he home? Or is Kiyomi cleaning his room? Let me just sneak a peek. What the hell? Who is that? “Get the fuck out!” Spirits you don’t have to shout Takahiro. How was I supposed to know you were choking some girl with your tongue? Fucking bullshit. My face feels hot and my chest hurts. Why am I crying? What the fuck? He yells at me all the time, who cares? Why am I crying? I don’t know. I gotta wipe these fucking tears but they won’t stop.
I’ll just wear a scarf and my big poncho. I gotta get the fuck out of here? Why? Who cares? I just can’t be here right now. I fucking hate this bullshit suburbia outside the city. Why can’t we just live in Fuyonouso? It’s so fucking cold and I have to walk so far to the bus stop. My scarf is already drenched, great. Is there a fare for this bus? No.
“Hi.” That was pathetic, why say anything, she doesn’t care she’s a bus driver. It’s still raining. We get it already. The world is miserable. I’m miserable. I know already, now can you let off the gas a little? I could use a break. I wish she was here. Then I know it’d be sunny even if it continued to rain. Shit that was my stop.
“Thank you.” Was that any better? Who cares? Should I wait for another bus to take me back a stop? That sounds dumb. Just walk you fucking bitch. It’s cold. Feels like I’m being pelted with ice pellets. Only two more blocks. Can’t we think a single happy thought? The only ones I can think of are of her. Ow. My chest hurts. Guess they aren’t happy thoughts really. Who cares?
They better be open. What time is it again? I don’t remember. Can’t tell with these fucking clouds. Oh thank fuck. They’re open. “Take your poncho off please!” Damn lady I was about to, relax. I still don’t know what I want. Wow she really keeps the radio cranked up loud doesn’t she. Can’t she put on some music? I don’t want to hear more news about how the world sucks and our empire is fucked and other fucking bullshit. We fucking get it guys the Empress is dead.
Pork ramen is fine I guess. Just add hot water. Yeah no shit I’m not gonna put a paper cup in the oven. Ten yairen. Will they even break a bill this big? I should’ve grabbed my purse. I have smaller bills in there. I should get something to drink. Oh they have Ramune! Ugh. Why does the thought of drinking that make me sick? I don’t know. “Is that all?”
“I guess.” Just let me leave please. I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I’m not the first person to come in here with a way too large bill. Yeah yeah. Lots of change I know. Yep another coin. Almost done? Great. “Thank you.”
“Do you want a receipt?” Does it ever end? Just let me be.
“No thanks.” Am I good? Can I go now? Bye now. Why’d you even bother bagging it? It’s one thing. I wish I had my own car. I hate not being able to get around on my own. Always more people.
“Breaking News Alert!” For the love of... Lady did you break the volume dial off when you turned it that high? “As... as a warning to our listeners... The following broadcast will contain very disturbing news. We recommend all parents take their children out of the room.” Damn lady, did your mom die or something? Why is your voice so shaken? “Reports have just come in from Hawaii. Pearl Harbor, our nation's largest naval base in the silk sea, has been the victim of a horrific surprise attack.” Wait what? What the fuck?
“Early reports are estimating deaths in the tens of thousands. The current assailant is unknown. As are the means as to how this could happen.” No. No no. That isn’t possible. Tens of thousands? No. No no no no no, NO! No, she's there. She’s fucking there and its under attack! I just read a newspaper about her getting there and “Our listeners may be aware that our own Empress, Reito Doku Kumo is currently present in Hawaii transitioning to Elenria. It is...”
No! Fuck this! I don’t care if it is freezing. I don’t care if it's raining. I don’t care that the bus isn’t coming for another half hour. I don’t care that my home is miles away. Fuck I can’t breathe. My chest. Fuck it hurts. Why do my eyes burn? Fuck I haven’t run in ages. Come on. If I ever needed you, legs, it is now. We need to get home. Its so fucking far. Come on. You have to be okay. You have to be okay. I know you’re okay. Right? You are. You are. You have to be. Please. Please. Please.
Six more streets. Five more streets. I can’t fucking breathe. Four more. I can’t feel my chest anymore. It hurts so much. Three more. Two more. Almost fucking there come one. Finally. I can see my house. Are you fucking kidding me?! Who locked the door?! Where are my keys? Of course I didn’t bring them. Why would I? I’m a fucking dumb sack of shit why would I remember my keys?
Please tell me the back door is unlocked. Oh thank fuck. I’m soaked. Mom is going to yell at me for getting water everywhere. Who cares?! Radio. Radio. I need my radio. My body has never felt so heavy. Why do we have so many stairs? Come on. Takahiro’s door is still closed. Is he still making out with that girl? Fuck my chest hurts. My stomach. Fuck everything sucks right now. My radio! Come on what channel was it? Music, Music, Music, Bullshit, Music, Fuyonews radio!
“...may be aware that our own Empress, Reito Doku Kumo is currently present in Hawaii transitioning to Elenria.” It’s repeating! Thank the living stars. “It is currently unknown if she is one of the casualties. We know she was traveling on a Kii class battleship. Reports... indicate that one of the two Kii class battleships stationed in Hawaii was destroyed. All hands lost.” No. No fucking way. Tell me it wasn’t hers. It fucking can’t be. I refuse. It won’t be. I need to get there. Now. What, by boat? And get there in a few weeks? What good would that do you fucking idiot? Is that moms car?
“Mom?!” Back down the fucking stairs. “Mom is that you?!” Please. If you were ever to give me comfort let it be now. I beg of you please. That’s her. “Mom...” Fuck. I’m crying again. I can’t stop the tears. Don’t fucking look at me like that! Why do you look so bored? Don’t you care?
“Why are you dripping?” Are you fucking shitting me?! I’m bawling my eyes out and gasping for air and all you care about is your damn carpets? “Go change. You’re ruining my floors.”
“Mom. The news. I... Reito is...” Put a fucking sentence together you buffoon. I can’t breathe. Fuck why can’t I breathe. Just one lungful is all I need. Please. My chest is closing in on itself. Spirits. Help me. Please. Everything hurts. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. Please.
Mom... please... “I heard.” You, heard? That’s it? Our Empress could be fucking dead in the ocean and all you have to say is you heard?!
“You don’t care?” Oh great, the only sentence I can put together is questioning her. Whatever. I meant it. You fucking bitch. We may be a nation with no leader. No succession. You don’t care? FUCK! My cheek! She fucking struck me. “What the hell?! You slapped me! What is wrong with you?!”
Oh shit. I’ve never seen her look this mad. Not at me. I’ve seen her full of hate before. Never at me. She’s only ever had a bored disdain for me. “You little bitch.” Oh god. My chest. Did she just kick me? Everything hurts. I can’t stand up. I feel so heavy. I can’t breathe. She’s pressing her foot into me. My eyes are fucking burning. My tears are dripping onto your precious floor you bitch. “How dare you? Get out of here you little cunt. I never want to see you again, Rui. You were a mistake.”
Fuck this. Fuck I can’t stop crying. Fuck you! I wish I could’ve screamed that in her face. Wait. Where do I go now? Did she really just kick me out? No. No. No come on really? I can’t breathe. Everything hurts. I need to get out of here. Mom’s car. Please. Did she leave the keys in it? Yes! Need to get out of here. Need to go. Somewhere? Where? Don’t care. Go before she realizes. Cmon fucking go! Oh shit. Oh shit she’s chasing after me! She’s going to call the police. I am so screwed.
Just go. Somewhere safe. Anywhere. Just go. Go. Go. Please. Where? Hotel? No police would find me. Where where? Just drive. Just drive. Get out of the city. Just go. No one else is driving in this weather. I just want her back. Reito. Please. I don’t care if you hate me. I don’t care if you never want to see me again. You said you would always be there for me. Where are you? You’re just in Hawaii right? You’re coming home? None of this is real right? I just made it all up in a stew of my own depression? I’m still in bed. I’ve got school tomorrow. I better wake up. Reito has a birthday soon and I have to get her a gift. Wake up! Wake UPP! Shit its real. Where am I? Am I on the highway? I’ve never driven on the highway before. I wish I could see through this rain. Oh. No the wipers are going. Those are my tears. How long have I been crying? Where am I? Does anyone care? Who cares?
Reito? ███? Reito! ████████████. I missed you too! ████████? Sorry the phone makes it hard to hear you. █████████. How’s Hawaii? ███████! I’m so jealous. █████████████. I bet! ███████████? I’m doing okay, I just miss you so much. Are you coming home soon? █████████! Great! I can’t wait to see you. ████████████████████. I bet you look great in a swimsuit. █████! I mean it! I’d love to sit on those beautiful beaches with you. █ou’r███bou████sh. What was that? You’r███bou████sh! I’m about? What? You’re about to crash!
FUCK! Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow. What did I hit? “Get out of the car now!” Is that? “Get out now!” The palace? How did I get here? “Get out of the car right now!” Fuck! I’m trying! You don’t have to waive a gun around to get your point across. One sec. There. Happy?
Hey! Hey get off me! I’m just a kid alright! “Ow! Hey!” Are those handcuffs?! I had an accident! I’m sorry!
“You’re going away for a long time.” For what?! What happened?! “Destroying palace property. Reckless driving. Threatening the security of the palace. Unlawful entry into the palace complex. I hope whatever you were trying was worth it because it just cost you your life.”
What?
Reito? Are you there? I fucked up. A lot. Ever since you became Empress. Even before that. Everything has been fucked up. My mom always sucked but she never hated me. She never hit me. I always had a home. I always had my best friend. Even the Empress took a shine to me. Remember that time we made a pillow fort? I thought your mom was gonna be so mad when she walked in. She just started laughing and asked to join in. That was awesome. We had hot chocolate together. We talked about books. Your mom was so cool. She was always so nice to me. She treated me just like you. Well not just like you, but it felt pretty close. If I asked to move in before it happened, do you think she would have said yes?
Can you imagine the drama? Minister's daughter moves in with Empress. That’s a headline for you. Still I bet she would’ve said yes. She’d ask why. I’d say some lie. She’d see right through it but still let me in. She’d hug me. Tell me it’s okay. Then we’d all play together. Remember when you heard about baseball? Your mom had a field built for you in a day. We played all day long. I still don’t get the rules. But It was so much fun.
Do you remember the day I broke your door? You and I were play fighting. I tripped and fell. I got up before your mom could come running and asked what happened. You told her you broke the door. You took the blame for me. I was so scared she’d scream at you but she just laughed. “I can’t believe what a clutz you are! What were all those etiquette classes even for?” she said.
I remember thinking she must only yell at you in private. I’m glad I was wrong. Do you remember what happened that night? Probably not. For you it was probably just another sleepover. We stayed up way past your bedtime reading with a flashlight under your covers. Your mom came in and checked on us. We pretended to be asleep but I kept giggling. I thought we got away with it but she totally knew didn’t she? I bet she walked away with a big smile on her face.
Did you know I fell in love with you that night? That entire night is forever etched into my memory. Nothing special really happened. I just remember watching you smile, laugh, and play with me. At one point my heart just started beating a different way. Maybe puberty hit me then. Maybe all the amazing things that you are finally hit a boiling point and made me love you. Whatever it was. I loved the feeling of it. Everytime I looked at you. It was like. The sun shone on me and only me.
All my thoughts were of you. At school I thought about how I wanted to measure up to you. I wanted to be as good as you. I wanted to make you proud. At home I thought about you. How I wished we were hanging out. I wished things were different. I wished I wasn’t a minister’s daughter, and you weren’t a princess. I wished we both went to some mundane school, lived next to each other, and spent time together everyday. Would you get tired of me? Would you still want me around?
Would you still love me?
I remember when I read your journal. I had loved you for so long but you only saw me as a friend. I had to know. I had to know if I needed to give up on you. When I saw what I saw. When I saw that you... felt like I did... I was so happy. I was terrified when you came back. I knew I breached your trust. I just hoped you could forgive me. I never imagined we’d kiss. Let alone...
What do you think we would’ve done if your mom hadn’t come in? You let me touch you. Parts of you I always avoided looking at when you changed in front of me. Spirits... The feelings I felt when you changed in front of me. Your skin was so soft. I wish I kissed your neck. Whispered in your ear “I love you.” Would you have liked that? Would you have shivered? Would you have melted into my arms? I can only imagine the warmth I would have felt. Would you have taken off my kimono? Would you let me take off yours? Probably, right? It was already mostly off. I wish I could’ve looked for one second longer.
Would we have made love?
You’re the only one I love. Have ever loved. They may call me a lesbian but I love and lust for no woman but you. Will I die alone? Likely. If I can’t be with you then what point is love? It has been years since I have seen you, heard your velvet voice, felt your smooth touch, smelled your perfume,
Years since I tasted you.
Reito? Do you hate me? Is that why I have never heard from you? I came to the funeral. I wanted to comfort you so badly. You looked so professional. I saw the pain. Do you wish I never read your journal? Do you wish we never kissed? Would you still talk to me then? Would we still be friends?
Aren’t you lonely? I see pictures of you in the news sometimes. You look so sad. Don’t you want someone who loves you by your side? I can be there for you. I’ll do anything to be there with you. There is nothing I won’t do for you. No line I won’t cross, no person I won’t give up. For you.
I’d die for you.
BANG “Wake up kid!” Where am I? Stars above. My head hurts. Are those... bars? “Who are your parents?” Am I in prison?
“Do you have a phone at home? Do you know your phone number?” Wait what what? I don’t know what’s happening and you’re asking me all these questions. “Do you know your address?” Ma’am I can’t put two words together right now, you want me to give you my address? “How about your name? Can we start with your name?”
“Rui Kure.” I’m already fucked. Why bother lying now?
“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Sorry ma’am. Didn’t mean to ruin your day with me ruining my life. “Stay here.” Where the fuck else am I gonna go? Sorry I’ll just head over to take a piss. Oh the toilets right here. Yeah I’m not going anywhere. This is the end. At least it’ll tarnish my mom’s name a bit. My head hurts so much. I’m gonna lay down.
Reito? Am I even alive anymore? Should I be? What is living? Without you, I don’t know. I say that a lot now. I don’t know, but who cares? That’s my other catch phrase. I find it hard to care without you. Should I kill myself? Would you care? Would you notice? Would anyone? Who cares? Who cares about Rui Kure. Riko doesn’t. I don’t. Do you Reito? Can you? Are you even alive to care? Are you in Hawaii? On your way home?
Are you dead?
Sometimes I wish I was never born. I think the world might be better off. I wouldn’t have made your mom mad at you. My mom would have more time to focus on her favorite child. And my heart wouldn’t have been shattered to pieces. I can barely do anything anymore. Who cares? Does anyone?
What do I have to live for?
“Rui?” Yes Ma’am? More questions I can’t answer? Wait, who are you? Why are you in my cage? “Rui! Thank the living stars you’re alright.” Who are you? I can’t see anything. I just see smudges and light. Are you my ancestors? Do you care? “What on Ouhiri were you thinking?!” I’ll be honest, I wasn’t. “Putting a child in jail after a car accident?!” Wait, you're not mad at me? Who are you? Who are you talking to? “She needs medical attention now!” Someone else is talking now. I can’t hear them. They sound scared. Who is this? “Forget it! Bring her to the palace clinic.” Oh don’t you hesitate other voice. I don’t think this lady wants to hear that. “I wasn’t asking.”
Oh my. I’m being lifted up. This feels. Kinda nice. They’re being very gentle. Whatever I’m laying on now is soft. Silky. I like it. Feels. Safe. I think. I’ll sleep a bit more.
Reito? It’s getting harder to think. All I can see is you. Your face. I wish I could remember it happy. You’re so pretty when you smile. Your face lights up the room. The whole world actually. At least mine. Can’t you smile for me? One more time? Just for me?
I’m begging you.
“Good morning sleepyhead.” Fuck its bright. Where am I? It looks. Sterile. Am I in a hospital? I thought I was in jail? What’s happening? Am I awake?
“Wh-” Wow my voice is weak. My throat is so dry I can’t even speak.
“Drink this.” Thank you. Can I without spilling? No. Shit. At least I got most of it. Water tastes so good. Thank you. I’d love to thank you properly but I don’t know your name.
Can I speak yet? “Where am I?” Weakly. I guess. More water pl- oh you’re already handing me some. And cleaning me up. Wow. Are you my real mom or something and everything else has been a dream?
“You’re safe. You were really banged up after that car crash.” Oh that feels nice. A cool rag on the head always feels good when you’re sick. I guess that counts for hurt too. “Don’t worry. I fixed you up. You’re going to be just fine.”
“Th, thank you.” That was a little better. “Who... are you?” Why does it take so much energy to talk?
“I’m Doctor Mai Tamashiro. You can call me Mai.” Reito’s doctor? “You crashed into the palace gate with your mom’s car two days ago.” Two days ago?! “You were taken to jail but Akane Kubota brought you here.” Kubota-kama?! Reito’s third in command maid? She was always respectful toward me, but I never thought she’d go out of her way like this. OW! Don’t try to move. Got it.
“Am... I going back to jail?” I don’t want to hear the answer. Fuck I don’t wanna hear the answer.
She smiled. That’s good right? “Goodness no. That guard is lucky she’s not going to jail. Throwing a child in jail after an accident. Insanity.” Ohh.. petting my head... Why does that feel so nice? “You’re safe here Rui. No one can get you here.” My chest feels warm. “I’ll be right back. Akane asked to be informed as soon as you awoke.”
Don’t go. Please. You’re so warm. Comfort me. Hold me. Care for me. Please. It’s so cold now. Come back soon. Don’t leave me alone with my thoughts. I don’t want to panic again. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
“Rui?” Akane! “Thank the living stars! You’re alright!” Warm. Your hugs were always nice, but this is warm. I feel. So safe. “Reito made me promise to take care of you if you ever showed up here.” She did? When did she say that? Why did she think I’d just show up here? She was right, but why?
She still cares.
“I would have anyway!” Her smile is calming. Wait, is
“Is Reito..? I heard the news.” Please. Please. Please. Even if it's a lie. Tell me she’s okay.
“She’s okay. She’s headed home safe and sound.”